On the off chance, you want to know how to be poor, I’ve got nine tips that will keep you broke.
I’m usually banging on about how to manage your money better.
Save hard and invest wisely is my mantra.
But today, I’m playing devil’s advocate.
Here’s a guide to living large irrespective of the cost…
1. Impress Everybody
The popularity contest is won by spending money.
The more people you can impress with what you own and the cool shit you do, the more popular you’ll be.
Social media should be your weapon of choice. You can impress way more people than just your friends and neighbours.
Keep your Instagram popping with the new cars, gadgets, and clothes, and make sure there’s plenty of pictures of you out at bars and restaurants.
The goal is to be the trendsetter everyone looks to. You decide what’s cool, and others follow.
Be first to have and do everything. If you’re not first, you’re last.
2. Splurge On Credit
Credit cards are AWESOME! No matter your salary or financial situation, you can afford the glam life now.
Besides, saving money is pointless. Why wait when you can have what you want now?
For all you know, you could get hit by a bus tomorrow.
The smarter thing to do is get what you want now so that you can enjoy it for longer. And it doesn’t matter if the rates are high.
You’ll be able to pay it back when you’re earning more. As long as you can afford the minimum payments, you’re all good, Bro.
3. Eat Out Every Meal
Cooking your own food is for peasants. It’s such a chore and a waste of time!
Why bother making your own meals when you can have food delivered in minutes? Plus, it always tastes better when someone else makes it for you.
And eating out is probably cheaper too.
By the time you kit your kitchen out with all the utensils, buy ingredients, and pay for fuel, the cost of a home-cooked meal has got to be way more expensive than McDonald’s.
4. Trust Your Barbers Stock Recommendations
My barber is a financial genius. I’m sure he’s a multi-millionaire and only cuts hair because he loves his job.
He’s always telling me about the latest stocks and cryptocurrencies that are about to blow.
None of his predictions have come true yet, but as my barber reminds me, I only need one to become a billionaire.
If you’re lucky enough to have someone feeding you stock tips, be sure to act quick.
Don’t waste time researching, or you could lose out.
The stock market is a gamble, and if you place enough bets, you’ll eventually WIN BIG.
5. Don’t Wait For Anything
Saving up is for losers. Searching for deals is for losers. Waiting is for losers.
The time wasted on these activities is less time spent enjoying what you want.
Most things are just a click or a phone call away. If you’re waiting for anything, you simply haven’t found a way of getting what you want now.
Most people think it’s because they can’t afford it – not true! With a little help from our friend, Mr Credit, you can have anything you want with a click and a swipe.
So, don’t be patient. Pay with plastic and live life large now.
6. Don’t Pay Into Your Pension
Pensions are the biggest con of our generation.
They’re impossible to understand, and I’m pretty sure most pensions lose money after you get ripped off with fees and taxes. More importantly, anything you contribute to a pension is less in your pocket now. And less spending money equals less fun now.
Why would you want to save up fun till you’re old and grey? Life is for living now, not when you’re 60.
Don’t deprive yourself of all the things and experiences that make life great.
Have it all and do it while you’re young enough to enjoy it. #YOLO
7. He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
Life is all about having fun. And having fun is all about having lots of toys.
So, get yourself the latest phone, upgrade to a smartwatch, and buy a TV that big it makes your couch look like gnome’s furniture.
If you feel bored at any time, I’d suggest buying a drone, motorbike, boat, and a jet ski – that’s at least a couple of months of fun.
Fill your house, garage, and Facebook feed with all the cool stuff you’ve bought.
Make everyone jealous of all your stuff and win the accumulation game. If you run out of things to buy, check out This Is Why I’m Broke.
8. Lease A Fly Whip
If you’re the average Brit, you spend 58 minutes commuting to work every day.
So, why not get there in style? You work hard, so you deserve to travel in a pimpin’ ride. Plus, having a nice car shows that you’re doing well.
People like to back things that are winning, so your managers will likely give you a raise, which will easily cover the car loan.
Here are a couple of tips for buying a car:
- Always buy new – people can tell if it’s used.
- Don’t buy what’s practical or within your budget. Get the car you want and not what you need.
9. Spend Everything You Earn
You earned your wages, so every last penny is yours to spend as you please. And you might as well spend it all and live your best life.
My philosophy is “you can’t take it with you, so spend it while you can”.
If you’ve got money in the bank, think about an area of your life that’s lacking.
Struggling for gym motivation?
New gym clothes will motivate you to train.
Lost passion with your significant other?
Buy them a present.
Feel you need more excitement in your life?
Book a holiday.
Everything can be improved with money.
If you’re not happy, you’re not spending enough.
Wrapping It Up
I hope you’ve enjoyed this tongue-in-cheek look at personal finance. Of course, this advice is not meant to be followed.
If you want to manage your money well, do the opposite of everything on this list.
Next week, we’ll be back to our regular scheduled programming with 11 Ways You Can Improve Your Finances in 2021.